Night time relaxation for children

There are a number of ways to relax a child into sleep. Some days more than others, my four year-old daughter requires more attention and time to wind down. This usually occurs if she has spent the day with other people (children and/or adults), if she hasn't seen much of me (the usual parent she commonly spends most of her time with) or if she has seen or heard something that has upset her. Sometimes, this upset is not even able to be verbalised and it is quite often left to me to tread back carefully through the day to pick it out (not to repeat it to her but to be aware myself that, for instance, a fender-bender she witnessed in a carpark has been on her subconscious mind as she tries to make sense of it).

I will pop these relaxations for children into several posts over the next week or two. With the excitement of Christmas, it is probably doubly important that our children end their day as peacefully as possible! I know I need all the help I can get at present, what with kinder end-of-year parties (two, two days in a row) and the onslaught of all these treats for the eyes and taste buds tempting her wherever she goes.

Below is my adaption of a method I learned from one of the practitioners at Peace Space. I have come up with a number of things that suit my child and I use each one in a variety of ways. Some nights, my daughter asks for a specific technique, other times I have to be firm and tell her it's time to stop talking and close her eyes. It's okay that she's not perfectly still to start off with. Sometimes those eyes keep jerking back open like the lids are on springs! And that's also okay.

I have to work very hard some nights, especially at the end of long days where she has been filled with influences other than those which I would like - perhaps some tv at a friend's place or sugary treats (at friends' places, again!) or simply being at kindy or occasional care where there is a melting pot of different little energies running around - to keep my even temper. When I have got a short fuse, I have to really centre myself first before even placing a finger on a hair on her head! It really is so important to be in my own balanced, calm space, otherwise any of these exercises would be completely futile. My intent with the process has to be genuine and positive. I can be firm at times - such as when jiggling legs are not listening and settling down - but if I lose it, I may as well not be in the room.

At the end of the day, I must remember: Sleep always, always comes. Eventually!

My sole job of a night is to assist my daughter to drift into a safe, comfortable sleep. There have been nights when she has been plagued by terrible nightmares - some of them so vivid she can recall them after waking - about witches and monsters and one incredible time, mower-man-eating unicorns up on her roof..... I have been keeping tabs on the relation between her having these night wakes and/or wet beds and me properly "closing her down" for the night. I can now say after monitoring this for the entire year this year that 100% of the time, it happens when I have not done anything to draw her energy in to herself - and tell her I am doing so - and help her bring her focus back inward before she goes to sleep.

With a bit of practice, experimentation or adaptation and persistence with any one of these exercises, you should hopefully begin to see which ones appeal to your child's energy needs.

This is a very crucial time of night for a young child and being available to help ease my child into sleep is, to me, one of my greatest roles and privileges as a caregiver.


Wind down and recentre

This is a particular favourite of my daughter's. Many nights, she now asks me to perform this little procedure. I now only do it when she asks, or if she appears scattered by the events of her day (or if I am aware that she has been in the presence of a lot of people - whether that be a family gathering, going to kinder or child care, or anywhere else that I have not been with her and therefore don't know for sure what she has experienced or been privy to). The more perceptive and/or empathic your child is, the more sensitive they are likely to be and prone to "taking on" other energies that are not their own.

1. Begin by placing one hand on top of your child's head and the other just above their belly button.

2. Tell your child that you are going to help them let go of any unnecessary threads of connection from the day. I do this with my child by speaking out loud (ie. I don't usually make eye contact, but it is a simple, clearly audible spoken statement).

3. Remembering that the key here is the intent of your words, not only your actions (so, there is no "wrong" or "right" way of doing this and you will intuit or sense it more keenly the more practice you have - and the more your brain doesn't overthink things and stays out of your genuine intent's way!), gather up the threads of connection (energetic strands emanating from this centre) with one hand and gently snip them loose (by way of a snipping motion with the other hand). 

4. Once the unnecessary threads of connection are cut loose, you must now wind down the remaining cords. Do this by gently making a circular motion over your child's tummy area. How large or small this circle is will be dependent on the energy of the child.
If you are used to reading body energy, you may have an awareness already of how large or small out from your child's "feeling centre" (roughly the abdominal/bellybutton area) the energy is expanding. As you gain more confidence with this procedure, you will also begin to feel it.

5. Remember, the aim is to wind your child's energy back down into themselves. The circle you are making with your hand will get gradually smaller. The speed with which you circle will also vary and should be guided by your intuition (ie. don't overthink, just remember your genuine intent and do what feels natural).

6. End the winding down by tucking the wound-down energy in to the navel. I do this by gently putting a finger on the belly button. If this is too sensitive, simply finish just above the navel (as in, your finger hovering above the navel). This is all energy, touch is not necessary. Remember, your genuine intent is what's most important anyway.

7. Lastly, visualise a blue diamond and use this to plug/cork/seal the navel.

8. I like to end this procedure by telling my child in a reassuring, confident way that she is now all "closed up for the night" and "you are back to being just you and nobody else" or words to this effect. I always receive a satisfied sigh and a smile in return.



Tips and "trouble shooting" methods:


• To really give any one exercise a good go, it may be that you need to revisit the exercise another night if it does not appear to be helping. Try not to write any of these off as not working or not suitable for your child until you have done them (either one or all) often enough that they are familiar with what to expect. Remember, children do love routine - the earlier you can start with these, the better - and once they are aware of what is coming next, you may find one or all of these practices is something your child anticipates.

• I cannot stress enough just how important it is for you, the parent or carer, not to stress! The more boisterous the child is, the angrier the adult can become - I fully understand and can appreciate - particularly if you are now both tired. But little will be achieved through yelling or even feeling agitated. A sensitive child (and it is my belief that pretty much ALL children are sensitive at this young age) will sense something is upsetting you, even if they misread it. This will be possibly the toughest part (breaking through your own feelings of wanting to walk out of the room or wanting to get angry at the child who doesn't quieten down!). 

• But keep your eye on the prize. The reward for both of you will be a sense of relief and for you, hopefully, a real sense of achievement and positive empowerment. Expect the best from yourself and your child and be accepting and aware of your own agitated feelings as they come up. It's understandable... but it's not going to help the situation. 

• Persist. Persist, persist, persist! And be consistent with your methods. Night after night, if you are genuinely intent on positive change for the better and assisting your child to do away with the bogey-men, bring in an assured sense of authority for your child by offering this simple act of love and comfort. Nothing reassures a child more than a calm parent acting under their own authority (and not out of anger, frustration or resentment - towards the child or another person they're still thinking about or an issue they've had through the day, etc.). This is not a time to be distracted by anything outside your child's bedroom door. Focus solely on your chosen exercise or other method of helping your child ease into relaxation in preparation for sleep. If you are truly calm and centred, they will follow.


At the end of the day, I am very forgiving of myself for the feelings of self-doubt that have often come over me. In the beginning, whenever I first started performing methods like these (in desperation, when nothing seemed to soothe my child from the scary dreams she had), I would wonder if it would even do any good. But I put those feelings and thoughts to the side over and over.... My reward and confirmation is a satisfied child who gives positive, mostly non-verbal feedback.

Try it and see. I will post others soon. And if you do test it out or have a question, please drop me a line or leave a comment here, I would love to hear your stories.