What am I doing? PURPLE

The question was simple to come by, but I knew the answer was infinitely harder to discover.

Why do I behave the way I do in certain situations? Why do I avoid my true nature? Why am I so hellbent on distracting myself from uncovering my Earth cause?

For the moment, I am free-pedalling a little. These little gaps come along occasionally, whereas once, they were commonplace. It's what happens when you consciously decide to embark on raising your awareness. My start happened to me like a bolt out of the blue. Her name was Ellanor. I guess I could have chosen to turn my back on all that she brought with her and showed me, but I didn't do that. And I continue to expand my awareness, as ultimately, I see no other way forward to a life of deep contentment. My task in my life is to hold a lantern. To know every pile of shit in my life, in order that I may assist others to turn over their own piles. Call me the pitchfork.... Maybe not.

Where once I would just innately do this very thing for people around me - let's just call it "in the time pre-Ella" - I suddenly found that I could no longer accommodate people with the energy it took for me to do it anymore, not after my life and how I conducted myself was blown wide open. After Ella, I scrambled. It was every wo/man for themselves, and I wasn't able to give myself and my time anymore. This was very alien to me (and it alienated me too, in the first couple of years), as I had always had a desire and a knack of giving the grace of space to someone as they got things off their chest.

There began my task: to work my way back to using my innate skills again for doing this for others, via the path of "heal the healer". No way did I want to be one of those healers who had not sorted out their own shit before you went and saw them (so you could tell they were using your sessions to get their own stuff sorted....).

It has taken me a long seven years to reach a point of feeling as if I have gathered myself back in to do what I have always done (even as a child).... Just, this time, I am awake to it and aware. And I'm older. I guess when you're fourteen or eighteen or twenty-two, you don't have much of a handle on the things that can happen in the world, to a person. That innocence is a good thing, partly. However, maintaining innocence whilst becoming a matured person of the world, with your own hugely impacted story, is somewhat more difficult to function with.

I have an overblown sense of innocence. I think I use anger to mask it. As if I am emulating some epitome of a strong and powerful adult (hmmmm..... Mother or Father, perhaps?), who is only seen and heard and taken seriously if they inflict their wrath. Really, I am like a frightened kitten who puffs itself up as large as it can stick its little fluffy hairs out, teensy tiny claws turned out at the most terrifying angles it can muster. The kitten thinks it looks pretty impressive, putting on this display. To anyone observing the kitten, it looks bloody ridiculous and ineffectual.

And so, to my work over the past 48 hours. I was led to look up my Masters' PURPLE workbook. Purple was a class that I enjoyed but that sailed over my head somewhat. I did it earlier this year and it was done amidst a rush of a massive workload I had on at the time. So I didn't pay too much attention to every little thing in it. It has sort of seeped in since May and now, I guess, it's calling me to use it to shift what I am dealing with.

Each sentence I read was a "WOW, holy crap" moment within itself. One of the first things that stood out to me was:

Rose-PURPLE is the Elders' Heart of Experience, which gives you the embracing support of meaningful motives to enhance the message you give to the world, yet continues to bleed because, in your neediness, you continue to run from taking responsibility for your own Eldership.

Rose-PURPLE is mindful of the repercussions that occur when you push too much for results to happen instead of waiting in the experiences you have, flowing with the learning they offer you instead of becoming embroiled in their dramas and dilemmas which overshadow the peaceful quality of any meaningful mediumship.

When Rose-PURPLE appears, ask yourself, what is it you have been ignoring in order for you to grow into. Ask yourself what is it you should say "goodbye" to.

I am beginning to see that the way I distract myself, during the course of my days as they all seem to bleed into one long continuum, is a self-coping mechanism I have set up. I am avoiding what I perceive to be "the hard work", when really, using the colours to support me (as I have come to know them through doing this study solidly for the past 5-6 years) is not ever as scary or hard as I think it is going to be. The hard part is usually always just getting down and getting started on reading/understanding.

Silly, really, how hard we sometimes make even the simplest things. Isn't it?